Enter the Past Tense by Roland W. Haas

Author:Roland W. Haas
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Potomac Books, Inc.
Published: 2007-12-15T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 16

THE SEARCH FOR NORMALCY

Over the next few days, I did much thinking about the future. My conclusion was that I did not have one. It’s not that I stopped believing in what I was doing. Although I didn’t know who was calling the shots or why, I was convinced that I was working for or toward a higher good. I was bothered because my affiliation with the Agency was nonofficial; I technically did not have a job. I could not imagine living on piecemeal payments and being considered a bum by my family.

These thoughts continued for a couple of weeks when, once again, Phil “dropped in” and we went to the Matthaeser for another meeting. He complimented me on the extraction of Klaus, which I had not even thought about after we parted ways. Compared to what I had already gone through, that mission was a piece of cake. I laid out my concerns to him and told him that I wanted to go back to Purdue and finish up my degree. With all the classes I had tested out of or received credit for on the basis of my advanced placement (AP) high school courses, I wouldn’t have lost any time and would be able to graduate with my original incoming class in the spring of 1974. But considering the conditions under which I left, I didn’t think the school would reaccept me.

Phil didn’t say anything while I talked; he sat and listened. When I finished he looked at me and asked,

“So, you want to quit?”

I thought about that for a minute before I assured him (and myself) that I did not want to quit. However, I wanted to earn my degree for a couple of reasons. It would give me credibility on paper in case I ever wanted to get a “real” job. Also, it would ease the burden on my parents. Although they were not the kind of parents to tell me they were proud of me, I thought they had a desire to boast about their children to their friends and family. Without trying to sound bitter or facetious, I was depriving them of the satisfaction of a real desire. Instead of giving them a reason to brag, I was forcing them to make excuses for why I was not living up to their expectations.

A few more minutes passed before Phil spoke again.

“I understand where you’re coming from on this. I really do. But there are a few things I want you to consider. First of all, you’re not the same person you were when you left Purdue. You’ve looked into the eyes of men whose lives were draining out of them, and you did that knowing that you were the reason they were dying. There are not many people on this earth who can say that. You weren’t even the same person when you left Purdue that you were when you first got there. You’ve changed so much from the eighteen-year-old freshman from Ohio that I’m not sure you could ever make it back in that life.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.